(I am sitting with The Mitt Romney Family on the couch across from him at the hotel watching as the votes start to come in. I was invited up there because I'm a bad ass and everyone wants to be around me:)
Waiter: Can I get you a drink Mr. Huggins?
Me: Yes, I will have a Captain Double on the Rocks.
Me: Mitt, you want a drink?
Romney: Yes Mr. Higgins, I will have a Bottle of apple Cider please
Me: Its Huggins not Higgins
Romney: That’s what I said Higgins
( As the votes start to come in, Romney is in the lead and room erupts in happiness and cheers)
Romney: We are going to win this election
(I sit back in my chair cross my legs and fire up a cigar as my $1000 pair of Prada shoes look as if they were custom made for my feet)
Me: Hey Mrs. Romney can you pass me and astray please
Ann: of course
(As more votes start to come in Obama takes the lead and the room because quiet)
Ann: Oh my god, what's that smell?
Me: Sorry about that, I had Chipotle earlier
Romney: What country is that?
Me: It’s a tex mex restaurant
Romney: My father was from Mexico
Me: Good for you Mitt......Good for you
(Obama's lead starts to grow as we watch Fox news)
Me: Hey waiter can you grab me a box of tissue, a snickers bar, The IPod loaded with the song by James Ingram Called, "Just Once", and some baby powder.
Waiter: Yes Mr. Huggins
Me: Hey Mitt, are you guys going back Massachusetts tonight?
Romney: Why yes we are
Me: Cool, I would like to stay here tonight in this hotel room if that’s ok.
Romney: Sure
(Fox News projects President Obama will be Re-Elected)
Aid to Romney: This can't be happening
Me: It's happening my friend and I suggest you sit your ass down and take this beating
(A tear rolls down Romney's eye)
Me: Can you all excuse me and Mitt for a moment please? Hey you waiter..you stay in here
(I sit on the table right in front of Mitt and I lift his head up and hand a tiny piece of tissue. I open of the Snickers wrapper and hand it to him)
Romney: I don’t understand how this happened
Me: You did good Mitt.. But not good enough. The American people have spoken and they have spoken clearly...Look at me Mitt..Look at me in my eyes.
( He lifts his head up and I wipe a tear from his eye)
Me: Waiter...hand my that Johnson's baby powder
( I sprinkle some in my right hand and raise it high in the sky as if I was in 2nd grade and knew the answer to the teachers question......With one quick motion.....I SMACK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF MITT AND He falls flat on the couch...he looks over to the hotel closet and out jumps Dave Chappell dressed as Rick James:
Chappell: THAT WAS......COLD BLOOOODED LOL
Chappell: it’s a celebratiooon...enjoy yourself!
Me: Hey, Waiter? Show Mr. Romney to door and give him a copy of the bus schedule..I'm sure that’s something new to him
(Dave Chappell is on the floor rolling around laughing his ass off)
( Before we close the door Mitt turns to me)
Romney: Why did you smack me?
Me: .......I did it for the 47 percent Mitt...The 47 percent....You must have been a damn fool to think you had a chance in hell on winning.. Stay frosty Mitt...Cause its gonna be cold as hell waiting outside for the bus.
(Dave Chappell runs over to the door to shake Mitt's hand..as Mitt reaches out to shake it..Dave pulls it back quick:
Chappell: SIKE! LOL
(Slams the Door)
Waiter: Mr. Huggins what did you do with the IPod that you asked for
Me: I slipped it in Mitt Romney's pocket
(As Mitt Finally gets on the bus he finds the IPod in his pocket and turns it on.)
(Out of the speakers belts a soft voice that says, " I did my best but I guess my best wasn't good enough Cause here we are back where we were before Seems nothing ever changes, we're back to being strangers Wondering if we oughta stay or head on out the door"
Stay Thirsty my Friends
