A one on one conversation with darkness (PTSD)

First and foremost allow me to formally introduce myself.  My name is Darkness (PTSD) and I’ve been living with you for some time now.  I gave you the anger and pain you needed to survive and make it out of there alive.  Now I’m here to collect and brother I'll take any form of payment.  Here is a list of types of payments I will take, your happiness, your family, piece of mind, job, and any other things that make you happy.  However, what I really really want……is your life...…but we will work that out some other time.  You see,  I want to take everything and everyone from you.  I don’t want you to be happy, I just want it to be me and you together.  I want us to be alone just so  I can press the play button and replay every bad thing you saw or ever did in War.  Shit man,  I’m greedy…..I will even throw in some other horrible shit that happen to you before and after war.  Don’t get better and seek help because nothing is wrong with you.  Everybody around you are the ones that are fucked up.  Well wait a minute….I lied.  I will allow and encourage someone else to be a part of our team.  And brother you can pick which ever addiction you like to be the third person.  Because remember…….nobody else likes you but me.  You aint shit, your worthless, and don’t deserve any happiness AT ALL!  People close to you smile in your face and tell you nothing but bullshit.  They don’t really like you and never did.  Even the people in your own home hate your very exsistance.  And don’t get me started on that mask you wear.  Fuck you and the piece of shit mask you wear.  What are you a pussy…..You afraid to show people the real you?  You scared to tell people the truth?  The truth about what you did and how you put lives at risk?  Remember brother I know the truth.....…not all of them were justifiable…......but its your lie brother you can tell it however you want to.  Everything you have….you don’t deserve it.  Everything you get….will never be enough.  I will never allow you to be happy or others around you.  And your medication……you don’t need it.  Warriors don’t need a crutch and never will.  You seeking help and trying to better yourself means your weak.  Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately?  War has aged you brother.  The child has grown…...the dream has gone…...…you have become comfortably numb.  Lets just cash out while we can and be by ourselves.  I’ve got so many things planned for us and it starts with guilt, anger, and depression.  No matter how much help you get from the doctors it will never be like it was brother.  No matter how reseelient you are…….It will never be like it was.  Just give up and let me take charge.  I promise it will be easy for you.  Remember...you almost gave me the jackpot on that bottom bunk that night..And you should have.  So with that being said, what do you say brother?

Do me a favor.....Go in the kitchen....find the biggest knife in there....bring it back......and let's cut out the bullshit!

I don’t know if you know me as well as you think you do.  I'm kinda like a big deal around this Maafucka.  First off, I will never ever let you ruin and destroy my life.  I've worked too hard to get where I am for your "poor me" depressed ass to take it away from me.  All that dark shit is for the birds...I'm like a King in my own mind brother.  I will continue to better and surround myself with nothing but Love, Laughter, and Life.  No person will ever come between that...ever.  I will never hurt you the way you hurt me because we're the same person.  And your right..things will never be the same..but they WILL continue to get better.  I'm stronger and more resilient now than I've ever been my whole entire life.  Everything that happen to me it what ultimately made me who I am today...And I love myself.  You can bring up all the horrors from my past but guess what....they will NEVER consume me or my future.  You will poke your head out on occasion...but I'm in charge around this maafucka. Everything you described to try to bring me done is what makes up that spring in my step...I'm above it.  We will continue to co-exist and get to know each other...but it's on my terms and  my rules.  You will trip me up on occasion and if I can't make it back to my feet, the people I have surrounded myself with will help me.  I got more close air support, QRF, and Support by Fires than you could ever imagine. I'm the one holding YOU hostage and I make the decisions.  I know I haven’t made all the right decisions....but guess what....At least I fucking made a decision. I will continue to take medication and see doctors....Because I owe to not only myself but my family, brothers, and to my Army.  No matter what you throw at me,  I will hit that shit like Bruce Lee playing ping pong with nun chucks.....Like a Boss.  So the answer to your question is not no....but fuck no.  Take your darkness ass back to wherever you came from and don’t call me...I'll call you.

Un-Masked ( Now you know)

Its been about 3 days without medication and I'm feeling some type of way.  Tonight I will take my mask off and lay it beside me insuring that its in arms reach.  See,  everyday I wake up I have to put on a mask.  The purpose of this mask is to hide the horrors of what war has done to me.  The weight of the mask in the beginning of the day is easy, but as the day goes on the weight starts to take its course.  To be honest,  life without the mask would be miserable for me and everyone around me.  Although I'm happy with my life and what I have become,  Its still doesn't change what has happened to me.  You see,  I've never really processed the war and all things that happened during my deployment.  Although the Army encourages me to do so, it will have a negative affect on my career and reputation if I did.  The medication helps me out a great deal but as I said before, It doesn't change what happened.  And as much as I would love to write about the horrors of my deployment, I could never do so.  There were 30 other men in my platoon, and I would need all of their blessings to tell OUR STORY and the timing isn't right for that yet.  So....I will tell my story.  I live my life under paranoia and avoiding anything that could possible cause my mask to come off any where that wouldn't be safe.  Everywhere I go,  I'm constantly coming up with contingency plans just in case something happens.  That in itself is very draining mentally which turns into being exhausted overall.  I'm afraid of the dark not because of the boogieman, but because the enemy tends to lurk in darkness.  My emotions are fucked...I'm either on the verge of crying over something that happened during war, or emotionally detaching myself from whatever has the potential to make me vulnerable.  And I'm not even gonna get on the shit that goes through my head...I'd be in a mental institution if I did.  Sometimes I wish I was a little kid again and could sit on my my mothers lap and her tell me everything was gonna be ok.  The closet I've gotten to talking about my life is getting it tattooed on my skin.  Every single tattoo of mine has a story that I might be able to tell you without tearing up.  The only pure things in my life are my kids, Pink Floyd, and the 7 hours of sleep I get every night.  Despite what I've been through during war almost 9 years ago,  The show must go on back here in my life.  Instead of waking up every morning putting on my gear and going outside the wire.....I wake up everyday, put on my mask, and go outside my door to face the world.  Walk outside without either of those whether in war or stateside and your or other peoples chances of dying are extremely high.  Also if you haven't noticed I walk with a spring in my step, slight arrogance and a sprinkle of cockiness because that's the Infantryman in me.  However, in the same breath people who know me truly understand that I have a heart full of gratitude, loyalty, and compassion and give more to people than receive.  Yea I blow my money on cars, motorcycles, tattoos and other dumb shit but I deserve it.  I promised myself that If I came made it back alive from my deployment....I would live every single day to the fullest.  Most importantly... I would live for my brothers who are no longer here.  Some of them lost their lives in war....and some took their own lives back here because of the pain from life and war.   And these Soldiers aren't people I knew of in passing or heard about..   These are brother that I personally knew, broke bread with, and drank with.  No matter how dark my world can get.....I still have life and THAT I will never take for granted.  I'm not waiting to retire to live my life and have fun....I started the day I left the Battlefield.  And I know everyday won't be great and perfect,  but I will never ever forget how bad we had it or how bad it could be.

LIVE LOVE AND LAUGH A LITTLE


Too my brothers gone but never forgotten

Corrigan
Thibodeaux
Raymond
Gibson
Daggett
Castellano
Rodriguez

The Mighty 1st Platoon Vipers