Un-Masked ( Now you know)

Its been about 3 days without medication and I'm feeling some type of way.  Tonight I will take my mask off and lay it beside me insuring that its in arms reach.  See,  everyday I wake up I have to put on a mask.  The purpose of this mask is to hide the horrors of what war has done to me.  The weight of the mask in the beginning of the day is easy, but as the day goes on the weight starts to take its course.  To be honest,  life without the mask would be miserable for me and everyone around me.  Although I'm happy with my life and what I have become,  Its still doesn't change what has happened to me.  You see,  I've never really processed the war and all things that happened during my deployment.  Although the Army encourages me to do so, it will have a negative affect on my career and reputation if I did.  The medication helps me out a great deal but as I said before, It doesn't change what happened.  And as much as I would love to write about the horrors of my deployment, I could never do so.  There were 30 other men in my platoon, and I would need all of their blessings to tell OUR STORY and the timing isn't right for that yet.  So....I will tell my story.  I live my life under paranoia and avoiding anything that could possible cause my mask to come off any where that wouldn't be safe.  Everywhere I go,  I'm constantly coming up with contingency plans just in case something happens.  That in itself is very draining mentally which turns into being exhausted overall.  I'm afraid of the dark not because of the boogieman, but because the enemy tends to lurk in darkness.  My emotions are fucked...I'm either on the verge of crying over something that happened during war, or emotionally detaching myself from whatever has the potential to make me vulnerable.  And I'm not even gonna get on the shit that goes through my head...I'd be in a mental institution if I did.  Sometimes I wish I was a little kid again and could sit on my my mothers lap and her tell me everything was gonna be ok.  The closet I've gotten to talking about my life is getting it tattooed on my skin.  Every single tattoo of mine has a story that I might be able to tell you without tearing up.  The only pure things in my life are my kids, Pink Floyd, and the 7 hours of sleep I get every night.  Despite what I've been through during war almost 9 years ago,  The show must go on back here in my life.  Instead of waking up every morning putting on my gear and going outside the wire.....I wake up everyday, put on my mask, and go outside my door to face the world.  Walk outside without either of those whether in war or stateside and your or other peoples chances of dying are extremely high.  Also if you haven't noticed I walk with a spring in my step, slight arrogance and a sprinkle of cockiness because that's the Infantryman in me.  However, in the same breath people who know me truly understand that I have a heart full of gratitude, loyalty, and compassion and give more to people than receive.  Yea I blow my money on cars, motorcycles, tattoos and other dumb shit but I deserve it.  I promised myself that If I came made it back alive from my deployment....I would live every single day to the fullest.  Most importantly... I would live for my brothers who are no longer here.  Some of them lost their lives in war....and some took their own lives back here because of the pain from life and war.   And these Soldiers aren't people I knew of in passing or heard about..   These are brother that I personally knew, broke bread with, and drank with.  No matter how dark my world can get.....I still have life and THAT I will never take for granted.  I'm not waiting to retire to live my life and have fun....I started the day I left the Battlefield.  And I know everyday won't be great and perfect,  but I will never ever forget how bad we had it or how bad it could be.

LIVE LOVE AND LAUGH A LITTLE


Too my brothers gone but never forgotten

Corrigan
Thibodeaux
Raymond
Gibson
Daggett
Castellano
Rodriguez

The Mighty 1st Platoon Vipers