The Infantrydude talks Hygiene and Shit

Once upon a time, I was a dirty, nasty, filthy, stank ass Infantryman. Out in the field, it’s highly possible to find grunts that haven't brushed their teeth, washed their ass, or done anything to clean themselves or smell good. The fucked up thing is, there are people all around you who live this way. How many times have you run into an old friend at work and ran up to give them a hug or handshake, but happen to notice a foul but yet disturbing smell coming out of their mouth. It smells like a cross between Rosie O’Donnell’s ball sack and the alleyway behind a Chinese carry-out. I say to myself, "It can't be humanly possible for this person to not taste foulness and evil inside that mouth". You try your hardest to cut the conversation short but fail at every attempt. This person is not only long winded but giving you filthy smelling wind that’s killing your lungs in the long run. And don’t get me started on long winded people. I can do a whole fucking blog about people that talk too fucking much. "SHUT THE FUCK UP" You know what you are; you’re a god dam time thief. Your stealing my time with your extra long fucking sentences. Sum that shit into a sentence or a paragraph, do an about face and move the fuck out. Anyway, back to the actual blog. Some people have to remember that brushing your tongue is actually a part of brushing your teeth in the morning. The next time someone starts talking to you and their breath stinks this is what you say, " Hold on buddy, let me stop you right there. Your breath is disrespecting me and is making my internal organs feel bad. I'm not sure what food, drink, or dead animal’s ass you ate but I am strongly considering calling the police and asking the FBI to put you on a terrorist list. I will offer you a whole entire pack of gum or a gas mask. Why are you doing this to us? I don’t disrespect you so why would you allow your breath to do it to me." Let’s move on to the art of washing your ass. Some people absolutely need to shower every single day and some can go an extra day. If you’re walking somewhere and a person passes you and as soon as they pass your nostrils and lungs you get the smell of extra strength body odor. According to law you can make a citizen’s arrest and you should and why you ask? That person has fucked up your thought process. You were walking along thinking of great memories and awesomeness, and stinky mcstinkass stopped you from thinking that and forced you to think about what body wash to suggest to them. Let’s move on over to ashyness. Ashyness can affect all people but is more visible on people of color. You should never walk out the house looking as if your skin is thirsty and you just showered in a bodywash that mysteriously sucks the water out of you, puts it in a glass, throws some ice cubes in it, sits on the side of the bed, watches you get dressed, pulls out and lights a Virginia slim menthol, and in a English accent says, " Same place and time tomorrow?" Let’s make a detour to the person that sweats for no fucking reason. Are you ever standing in line like at a grocery store or something and look at the person in front of you that has neck and back sweat.  They look as if they decided to do their shopping with the pace of a 7 minute mile run with sprints at the end.  How in the fuck are you sweating in a climate controlled environment that requires you to push a damn cart?  You need to double up with your shirts because my kids don’t need to see that shit.  What about the people that have sweaty hands when you give them a hand shake.  Hey, did you rub one off before you shook my hand or what.  How can your fucking hands sweat?  Is it possible that they are a separate entity of your body who like to work out before every handshake? I highly recommend that if you are this person you either, where mittens or a shirt that says, “I give sloppy handshakes that will possible cause you to not shake my hand again”.  Let’s end with be all of all things….FEET.  I am the Infantry dude and I have put a shit load of rough miles on my feet.  Why are people walking around with feet that look like Mike Tyson’s fist?  If you do decide to show your feet out in public do us all a favor and make sure they are up to standard.  Men are just a guilty as women are.  You should never wear open toe shoes and your feet look like you just did a 25 mile ruck march with no socks and boots that were 2 sizes too small.  You crusty foot bastard.  The moral of the story is, Hygiene not only affects you but the people around you as well.